Mother

Its foolish of me to think you care

foolish of me to expect you to want to be there

I will not lie still

and let you crush my will

I do not cross your mind

and one day you will find

that you miss some one you never knew

because you weren't present while i grew.

Emotions are not your strong suit

You craved the dispute

my baggage is full of miss guided attention

with no emphasis on affection

I do not hate you anymore

although the wound will always be sore

currently i am enjoying the distance

finally stepping out of the parental trance

I have an amazing giving heart

which i want to say you had a part

but sadly it was your brother

growing up i did not have a mother

basically i had a spoiled sister who always got her way

a glutton of pity and control and to this day

no one is willing to knock this princess out of her tower

she lives in a fantasy world drunk with power

she loves to play the victim

history has shown she will push against the system

My father was no help

She ignored their child while he slept

hard to protect your child from the love of your life

a defenseless child should come before your wife

but Their marriage came first

And I was degraded and cursed

While I searched for who I was

She was searching for love and devotion

Because of her lack of emotion

Love was a lesson she was unable to teach me

Which in the end left our emotional bond empty

In place she filled my soul

With insecurity that simply created a bigger hole

And ever so gently she placed a nicely wrapped

Present of outlandish phobias and the same endless search

As she sat innocent on her perch

Protected by the father she never had

Unfortunately he was also my dad.

So when her protector is gone

the day will come

when she has no one

and her appetite for self esteem will take her over

she will fall lower and lower

until the only thing that will save her

is letting go of the disappointment in her daughter

it would be unreasonable for me to think

that I would reciprocate, all this stink
but as far as a healthy relationship
in sight, is an infinite courtship
of tip-toeing on eggshells
watch while the groundswells

My Step

Unexpected free fall
Domino's cascade down cheeks
My Thoughts hinder my freewill
Fighting for control exhausts my soul
Lashings from the one you chose
Feeble and small cross-legged in an office chair
Rectangles of awareness piled below
The system has been shut off
Only emptiness remains
Glimmer and glint of regret
The twinkle mocks you
clench your air way tightens
I scoff at the idea
Victims gather in protest
Numbers grow you shrink
The circus ensues
Music lights high wire and trapezes
The chaos gains ground
Cotton candy and popcorn
Your lion’s escape
Bound and gagged you witness the horror
Bloody domino's are all that remain
The twinkle held you captive
Your extinction will be everyone’s sigh of relief
Their piece was all you were after
Intentions on auto pilot
Your rise is in vein
You check in the aftermath
I wash my hands they still reek of the massacre
I sit on my step.

SOBER

Fighting back the urge to cry
sick of being so strong sick of always being wrong
this paint encases my mind smothering the monotonous grind
embrace the tears at night struggling to distinguish the right
we have lost our self's tonight
tears nudging behind my eyes remembering all the ridicules lies
promises of our ultimate fairy tale then emerged the ale
an inanimate object took over, the man i love couldn't stay sober
this man was my rock not some random cock
our happily ever after was taken we both spent too much time faken
i have lost my self with out him my balls bounce right off the rim
i can't make a shot for the life of me, why could he not see
put the glass down
throw the bottle on the ground!
no effort to get sober
so i tried to shake him up i packed MY cup, i fully relinquished my drinking
i wanted to save us from sinking, he pushed and shoved me this crazy need to feel above me
struggling to keep my self esteem alive i walked in to the bee hive
falsely called OUR home i never felt so alone, the silent knives stabbing all the passive grabbing
i had no idea what to do all i wanted was YOU
i fought for my soul but you were what made me feel whole
you turned my words around made me feel no taller then the ground and when i thought i couldn't feel any lower you still weren't striving to be sober
the arguments got worse all we did was curse, cursed each others families forgetting the common courtesies
you let me cry my self to sleep we were getting in too deep
i left you on the porch to cry swear i felt our relationship die
with my battered self esteem still tired to produce your dream went in to total panic mode
trying to carry the entire load got the car rolling despite my confidence was stolen
bought a bike trying to make us fit, of course i didn't get on it when every night you had a sonnet
immature, worthless, and lazy
i don't want to have your baby, remember that night it was an immense fight
"i don't want to breed with you!" what was i supposed to do?
You don't remember you were drunk.
i got to handle all the funk, you drank your self into a spectator left me as the only competitor
exhausted form trying to save a relationship that was dying
i couldn't take any more,  you pushed me to the floor one last time i came to my feel calmly took my seat
let you degrade our relationship "you go ahead take another sip!" your friend alcohol is killing us
no need to make a fuss, you never hear a word i say, watching what you were fade away
thoughtful, sweet, and strong has turned in to hateful, weak, and wrong
you had a billion warnings i am packing up my things, can no longer take the beatings
only i know how much it stings
clueless as what to do with my life knowing i will never be your wife
alcohol took you away from me
why couldn't he see
put the glass down
throw the bottle on the ground
but the addiction took over
no effort to stay sober.

Royalty

Whirlpool of emotion, I have constant caution, Every subject is fragile, This long decent is gradual, Desperate gestures fall short, No resolution of sort, Judgment swiming upside down, At your feet is YOUR crown, Relief is buried in bitterness, Endless screams of distress, The ghosts of my tears surrender, This path is clever… I wrestle urges to mend your mistakes, apologize for your transgressions But these are not my possessions, I can not fight your wars, Because then I will own the scars, I will stand in my seat, And place MY crown at your feet, Self denounced royalty, We do not climb simply, We rise from the horror, Stripped of our honor, Our royalty is shattered, The perfection of the title doesn’t matter, The conflict prevents the lust, Our perfect is not the norm, emotional chaos unites us, Our love will disfigure all preceded agony, We will survive in holy matrimony.

Cold and Crunchy

Desk, there is an urge to write when you sit at a desk. Why is this only once you get out of your academic years. People morph after school, they either get the drive from themselves or their parents push them to go to college. You are forced to make decisions that are going to build a foundation for the rest of your life. This one choice is going to be the structure of your career, the source of income, to feed your family, and make your mortgage payments. In some cases you avoid this choice, you rebel, maybe its laziness, maybe fear commitment, what ever the case may be you decide no college for you! The world and life will be your classroom! What drove you to this verdict? Could be a dramatic childhood, you are all out of toleration, twelve years of school under your parents wing was all your soul could take, you grab that diploma and bail, try to rebuild what your parents gnawed on for seventeen years, so you pack, what’s important to you and throw it along with your self out the window at 3 in the morning in a blaze of glory! This is the moment, it all begins! With your essentials… two pairs of shoes, all the cloths you can fit in a trash bag and the shampoo you lifted from your parents shower, you’re off! In a perfect world you and your high school sweetheart would have lived happily ever after, built a wonderful fairy tale life, 4 kids, a dog, and twenty thousand in credit card debt, living the American dream! However one of life’s big lessons, you are only in control of you, and trust is black in white. Again with the big choices, A. Suck up your pride, hang your head and move back home with your “loving” parents. B. Hold your head high full of hot air and loose dreams and continue your independent life. Little do you know that means living in your car for the next three months… You could have been half way through your second semester of college by now, but no, you are stubborn as an ox, doing things the hard way is unpredictable and your ADD likes that. After about a week of living in motel civic you run through clean laundry, and you would like to take a shower not in a sink, so you sneak in to the local rec. center use your stolen shampoo, wash your 2000 parts. Now that you are “so fresh and so clean clean”, its time to waddle around Wal-Mart, or the 24hr facility near you. Pride is a powerful thing, its educational value is endless, nutrition, and finance are big ones, i.e. a fourteen dollar family size box of corndogs can last you three weeks, six dollars worth of Ramón noodles will last you a month and a half if you save your left over’s, and if you sneak it in to the brake room at Wal-Mart you don’t have to eat it cold and crunchy. I have been told there is more then one road to heaven, needless to say your road could have been a lot less bumpy… but not with out its dismay, damaged and in an institution because your parents widdled away your self-worth, what if your first college report card of all A’s turned you and your parents around! But at what cost, would you have ended up in the wonderful niche you are in now, would you still be you… would of could of shouldn’t have…

Hidden

Have you ever lost yourself in your own life, you put little things aside for your significant other, starts small like what you watch on tv, or what you have for dinner, then it grows, where and who you hang out with your lines between honest and guilty blur. People forget what got them were they are now, they get comfortable and begin to slack off, hints one of the number one thing people scream out when they get divorced or see their significant other cheating on them.. "i don't know you anymore!" I believe people ware good disguises and with every big event they take off parts of this disguises little by little, to revile who they really are. or they are going through the same process we all do, your parents raise you to the best of their ability, beating the tippy top of their morals love kindness and self esteem in to a shell, hoping this little mold will apply them in all the right areas and grow up to have more then they had as children, or at least that is the intentions, but with every abusive relationship, whether it be intentional or subconscious the puzzle pieces get warped, and when the light turns on you fit your pieces back together dust of the degrading words pack all the traumatic situations up in luggage store all these bags on the top shelf of your identity closet and hope you can bear the weight. This is what makes up all the baggage you bring in to the next relationship, If you are lucky you will meet some one, or have enough memorable positive experiences that will build industrial reinforcements before the weigh of that shelf crashes down and crushes you. While you roll down this road of life you pick up little pieces of who you are, through idles, random people at walmart or on street corners, all the absolute worst places to shop for your identity, despite what your parents instilled in you, they can't shelter you from lives ghetto. soon this snowball is so huge and you are iced up inside, waiting for the sun to come out to melt the shafted snow and ice off from your overly chilled body. And when you are broken out you will not be you, you will be a new shell, waiting to be filled, standing on the corner with your newly jam packed baggage. at the end of this course, along with the crack heads children, alcoholic's children, abused children or all of the above, they will end up at the strip club, or screwing your way to the top of some mediocre company.

Unemployment Office

Company time. Why do people think they deserve to get paid, you get paid for your time, and your work, there for you do both, they pay you to put on a smile and pretend that you like your co-workers, be nice to customers, and to lend your services for eight hours a day. Do not just sit at your desk and pick your nose or talk on your phone and expect the company to keep you around. You are not babysitting Google; you are being paid for your services along with your productivity. I think all employers should pay employees minimum wage, and have a pay scale based on commission for wpm, amount of paperwork you push or how many slurpies and scratch-offs you sell. People have mastered the “look busy” technique. Growing up I heard my parents say “for all the time and energy you have spend whining about cleaning your room it could have been clean already.” If people directed their focus to actually working, or troubleshooting their position they might move up in the company or at the least keep a job for more then six months. The working mothers, I use “working” lightly, spend all their time wrangling their children on their cell phones, men surf sports scores and the brave stupid ones look up porn, you are guilty of “looking busy” from time to time, who hasn’t, but you have no right to protest when you get fired, and scream and rant on your way out how valuable you are to the company and they will be worthless with out you. In all reality they will hire another drone off Craig’s list to do your monkey paper pushing job, that will use the excuse “I am new and learning” for the first couple of weeks, then they will bust their butt for a few months, go home and brag to their husband that they are going to be running the company in six months tops! and then to their dismay they when they see the dirty politics in management and feel as if the pill popping HR lady falsely represented the position, resent the company i.e. “the man”, the bitterness will set in, then comes the solitaire and minesweeper marathon, which extends longer and longer each day till they get ballsie enough to look at porn or not clock out for their extended lunches, and poof their stapler and pictures of their dysfunctional children at the Alamo are thrown in a box, they make the walk of shame to the door clutching that box like its all they have left of their self worth cycle starts over. Then these wonderful entitled people demand unemployment… but that’s another blog!